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| My baby #3 at 10 weeks |
It has been an interesting couple of months. I had been having some woman health issues, and I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I decided to go to the Dr. since I hadn't had a regular check-up in 2 years. I described my issues I was having, but after the check-up he didn't seem concerned that anything was wrong with me. He scheduled an ultrasound for the next day just to make sure I didn't have a cyst or something worse. Everything checked out fine, so I figured I would just go on with life and try to ignore the pain. We had been thinking about having a baby within the next year; and since nothing seemed wrong, we decided to think about it--and all it really takes for us is to think and it happens.
The past several weeks have been tough, because people around me have experienced tough times: a failed adoption, stillbirth, failed IVF, late miscarriage...I have felt terrible heartache and pain for each one of these situations and individuals; each suffered terrible losses. I started to feel guilty that I have had such an easy time conceiving, great pregnancies and births, and just a week ago I found out that after not even really trying, I was once again pregnant. I had a hard time feeling excited. My body was just not reacting the way it had with the other pregnancies, so doubt and concern ensued. I took a few tests just to make sure, and each day the tests seemed to get more definite; but still the lines were not as dark as they were in the past. Even more doubt crept in. Yesterday, I told Bryan that things just didn't feel right, and within hours of that I was spotting (which I have never done before in my other pregnancies). I took another test this morning, and the line was barely visible. Soon after that, the heavier bleeding began and I now know that I am experiencing my own loss. Yes, I was only a mere 5 weeks along. Most doctors would consider it a "chemical pregnancy" rather than a miscarriage. Most women would just think they were a few days late, and never have tested for pregnancy; but someone who has had a 28 day cycle for almost 20 years, always knows when it is off by even a day.
As much as I felt that something was wrong, I had also let myself dream of the new life inside me. I started planning for a new arrival right around my birthday next summer, but it wasn't meant to be. I looked online for people with the same experience, and one lady wrote that "A loss is a loss no matter when it happens". For me there is a silver lining: I am grateful it happened so early, knowing that probably means there was no chance of survival. Physically I feel good. It is actually less painful than recent months have been for me. Emotionally, I am also doing better than I was. When I initially started bleeding it was a big shock. I was way sad and I didn't sleep all night just wondering what the outcome was going to be. Now that I know, and have had all day to come to terms with it, I realize that I am so blessed to have had two amazing previous pregnancies that resulted in two beautiful children. I have time to have more successful pregnancies in the future. But I do agree with the mom who talked about how every loss IS a loss. We all think about what might have been, but I know our Heavenly Father knows best, and can comfort us when we have to go through hard experiences.
It has now been over four years since that experience, and I now have two more beautiful, healthy daughters! I think the best thing this miscarriage did for me, was to help me gain more empathy for the women I know who have gone through their own losses. When you have experienced something difficult yourself, you just do have a greater understanding of what someone is going through. It's hard to put this post out there, but I hope it can help at least one person who is struggling with a loss in their life. Much love to all of you strong women out there who have loved and lost a sweet life inside of you!
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